what is?

I just don't get you.

"You got so much love in you. You got so much love in you. I'm amazed to be talking to you. You're like the songs that I've heard my whole life coming true."

How can you love me so much?

How can love such a dirty and broken person?

"I've been dirtier than you wanna know..."
"Sometimes I find it hard to believe there's someone else who could be just as messed up as me."

How can you love me when I am so bitter and hateful to some?

What does your love even mean?

I just fail to understand today.

I'm sorry.
"Words lost their meaning long ago."

we must go

"Jesus, You have called us.
Freely we've received.
Now, freely we will give.
We must go, live to feed the hungry,
Stand beside the broken.
We must go.
Stepping forward, keep us from just singing.
Move us into action.
We must go."

If you are saved, you are called. 
Don Miller says, "We're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding."

You have a hold of someone. That is such an incredible opportunity. What are you doing with them? How are you influencing them? Will you lead them in the right direction? Will you share your Jesus with them? Will you let go?

 
I am thankful for the people who did not let go of me.

The words:
At times I get discouraged with the "place" the world puts me. I don't claim to be anything more than human. I just strive to be more Christ like in all I do.

This doesn’t mean I’m perfect, that I’ve never doubted, or never sinned. It doesn’t mean I’ve lived a sheltered life of forced religion taught by my parents.
It doesn’t mean I’ll judge others who have chosen to live a different life style or are a different religion then me.

It means, to me, that I’ve made a choice.
To focus on what God wants for me.
To live a life full of purpose according to his will.
To love people, instead of worrying about where they're at in life.
To be honest and sincere in my actions.
To live a life above reproach and questioning.
To set aside my wants and desires for his glory.
To do what is right, not because I feel I have to but because I have an understanding that I’m worth more than the pressures and standards of mans opinion of me.

To be a living sacrifice.

The "box" and its four small walls, built out of pre conceived thoughts, enclosed with the bondage of stereo typical allegations justified by previous acquaintances claiming to be the same but acted in a hypocritical manner.

This box.


Cannot contain me.




I'm striving to be able to say this with complete confidence that it is what I'm doing. I've set the bar. I just have to reach it. I'm struggling to keep going. I ask "why?" way to often about things I used to be so sure about. It's hard to press on with no encouragement. It's hard to understand your love when I'm so often rejected. I'm sure you don't want this to happen, but it does. I'm drained and have no words left. The story will continue....

Holding of Wrist

The Escape from Holding of Wrist on Vimeo.


It seems I talk about this a lot, but it's because it's very important to me.
I can't really say anything better than the video did, so I won't.
This isn't what I wanted to talk about really, so just pause and soak up the information in the video.



This is such heavy stuff that what I want to say doesn't deserve to be in the same blog. It will be in the next one.

you CAN make it through

Tonight, I met with my youth pastor. His name is Buddy. We just met to talk about me and the struggles I'm having and such. It was so encouraging.
I've been so sad, depressed, uninspired, and broken most of all. After he figured out what I was trying to say and how I was feeling, he said some of the most encouraging things ever. He told me to focus on what I know is positive and what I know is true. He told me that I was special. He said that I am tenderhearted, beautiful, honest, real, loving, loved, a leader, an example, an encouragement, and much more. I had a hard time believing it at first, but he reassured me. He prayed for me. He hugged me. He was there for me. That's what I needed. That was so what I needed to hear and I'll need to hear it more as well. He also told me the steps I needed to take next. If that's something you need to hear, talk to me. I want to help. Self-help is no help at all.
If you or a friend is dealing with this, talk to me. Please. It won't exactly get better all by itself. You need something else. I can show you what it is.
That's all for now. :)
Be encouraged.
Psalm 13
Psalm 34
That's my reading for next day or two. Hold me to it.

Not so great...

I wanted to write tonight..., but I just can't.
I feel like whatever I start to say is just a lie.
At least, hearing it from me would be a lie anyway....
I'm a broken girl. I need restoration.
I can't write about the hope you need to have if I can't have any myself.

"We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true." -Jamie from twloha

Monster by Skillet
The secret side of me
I never let you see
I keep it caged,
But I can't control it
So stay away from me
The beast is ugly
I feel the rage,
And I just can't hold it

It's scratchin' on the walls
In the closet, in the halls
It comes awake,
And I can't control it
Hiding under the bed
In my body, in my head
Why won't somebody come and save me from this make it end

I feel it deep within
It's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a Monster
I hate what I've become
This night has just begun
I must confess that I feel like a Monster

I, I feel like a Monster
I, I feel like a Monster

My secret side I keep
Hid under lock and key
I keep it caged,
But I can't control it
Cause if I let him out
He'll tear me up, break me down
Why won't somebody come and save me from this make it end

I feel it deep within
It's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a Monster
I hate what I've become
This night has just begun
I must confess that I feel like a Monster (x2)

I, I feel like a Monster
I, I feel like a Monster

It's hiding in the dark,
It's teeth are razor sharp,
There's no escape for me it wants my soul it wants my heart
No one can hear me scream,
Maybe it's just a dream,
Maybe it's inside of me
(Stop this Monster)

I feel it deep within
It's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a Monster

I hate what I've become
This night has just begun
I must confess that I feel like a Monster
I feel it deep within
It's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a Monster


If you took that time to read all that, you deserve to know my thoughts on it.
That really is how I feel. End of story.
I'm continually asking, "why?" and "why me?"
My favorite Hillsong United songs says, "I'm filled to be emptied again."
I've just been emptied, but the emptiness is deeper than ever before.
I'm not sure what to do about it....


What a terrible ending for my thoughts, but more to come. I'm meeting with my youth pastor tomorrow and we're going to work things out. I don't want to post this because it is so terribly written, but I have a friend who probably needs to read this.

Words

Proverbs 18:21 says,

"Words kill, words give life;
   they're either poison or fruit—you choose." 

Seriously think about that.

Have you ever been told something that made you smile?

I have. Today, Dana, who is older than me, told me that I was a strong Christian and that I was a role model to her. I was in tears after she told me that. She told me that right before I was speaking to a group and I was all teary-eyed when I spoke.

Have you ever told someone something that made them smile?

I have. After I spoke today, I told Dana what I thought of her. It was very positive and maybe personal to her, so I won't share it.

Have you ever been torn down by someone's words?

I have. It was by someone who is considered a good leader and strong Christian in my youth group. It tore me apart for months. It's a side of himself that he will never show at church. Obviously, my opinion of him is not the same as the others.

Have you ever been the one tearing someone down?

I'm not sure if I verbally have, but I know I've thought some destructive things of people. I'm ashamed of that, but I'm forgiven from the wrong I have done.

Think about those questions. Answer them. 

Do you share the nice things so that you can look like a good person? Or do you share them to show the love you have for someone else? 

Do you tear people down because it makes your life better? If you answered yes, talk to me. I want to help you fix it. Even if you're unsure, talk to me.

What comes out of your mouth? 

Truth or Lies?

Why?

What will you do to fix it?

You are beautiful

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

Those three words above have so much power, so much meaning in my opinion. My belief is that everyone is beautiful. We all have that picture of the perfect body image in our heads. But the truth is, you will never become that person that is inside your mind. THAT is a perfect person, and NO ONE is perfect. Most of society has been conditioned to think 'beautiful' as a pretty skinny girl , an athletic guy with muscles, designer clothing, pretty much within the norm of society. I find that to be really sad.

I know it's not easy to think you're beautiful. It takes time, but ANYONE can change their thoughts. PLEASE don't make yourself throw up anymore. You ARE skinny enough, you ARE beautiful. Please don't change yourself to fit in with the 'norm' because you ARE unique, which is BEAUTIFUL. Beauty is what the heart is. If you have a heart full of love than you're beautiful, If not than you need some love.

When you wake up tomorrow, when you're at the toilet throwing up because you don't feel skinny, when you are cutting yourself to take away that emotional pain, when the memories of rape haunt you, look into the mirror and say "I AM BEAUTIFUL." I seriously want you to do that. Comment here when you did!

Why I want you to do that is because I learned something in psychology the other day. It's called 'cognitive thinking'. Cognitive thinking basically means "you are what you think you are". If you think and say your beautiful, than you'll feel beautiful, for example.

Your past, and your scars tell a story which is beautiful. Your pain has a purpose. Your story is meant to be heard. You have the power to change lives, and change the world! Do it! Feel beautiful! Be proud of who you are today!

Love Always
-Jimmy Elliott
Founder, Holding of Wrist


That was taken from Jimmy Elliott's blog. Just wanted to share.

Sometimes, I think all I need is to be told just how beautiful I really am [in slightly more detail than, ["you are  beautiful."] and that I'm loved. 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Like the rose, we are all beautiful. We are  complex, yet so simple. We want to be seen how we truly are. We want to love and be loved.

Love. Will you?

Suicide is 100% preventable.

Suicide is not only committed by teens.

It's committed by adults too.

Sometimes we joke about suicide

with our friends as if it's not real.

We're wrong.

In 2001, suicide was the cause of death for roughly 32,000.

That doesn't even compare to the suicide attempts...

So, what are you going to do?

I'm very involved in TWLOHA.

That's what I'm doing.

Do you know what it takes to get someone 

to stop thinking about suicide?

I do. It's love.

If you are worried that you or someone you know may be at risk for suicide, please contact a mental heath professional, call and talk to someone at 1-800-SUICIDE or find a helpline in your area of the world through www.befrienders.org, or call your local authorities.

I know that this is quite late, but it's really important to me. This event should not be limited to one day. We should be mindful of this all the time.

Josiah

My dearest friend,

If it has not been said enough, I love you. My thankfulness for you is almost never ending. My joy that you have been so perfectly placed in my life is incredible. Only a personal God could accomplish something so big. His love for me is definitely evident. The role you have played in the healing of my life is outstanding. No matter what chaos occurs, I know I could turn to you and find some sort of peace.

"Remembering everything about my world and when you came. 

Wondering, the change you’d bring 

means nothing else would be the same. 

Did you know what you were doing? 

Did you know? 

Did you know how you would move me? 

Well, I don’t really think so."

Through the pain of growing up the way we do, I've learned so much from you. I relate well to you. You've impressed on me a new sense of hope that I never thought I would find.  You're a real friend. By that I mean, with you, I don't have to hide behind the mask that I will ever so often put out for the rest of the world. When we talk, we don't have to skip over the sad and frightening things. They are there and we will talk about them. We'll face the pain together. I honestly believe I have made an excellent choice for a life long friend. My feelings cannot be contained to the simple words of the English language.

I love you.......

 "Is this the whole picture or is it just the start? Is this the way you love me? You're capturing my heart. I used to try to walk alone, but I've begun to grow. And when you tell me just to rest, I'm finally letting go. I let go. And I'm here to stay. Nothing can separate us. And I know, I'm okay. You cradle me gently, wrapped in your arms."

She would ask you to remember..

"The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope."    "We're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding." Will you? Will you reach out to those in need of Christ's love through you? Will you reach out to me?  "We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home."  Will you step up and be a rescuer? Someone needs you. I need you.       

Ready and waiting

"Will you hold me up if I just say that I will stay?"

Yes, I'm starting over, but that doesn't mean I get to start totally fresh. It means I have decided to change.

Changing is hard. That is something I've learned in the past few hours.

I can't do it all by myself. 

I need someone to be here for me.

I know I've got friends, but that's not enough.

I need someone to see beyond what I willingly show. I want you to step inside on your own. Ask me things that no one else will. It's what I need, but I would never ask anyone to do that for me.

If you relate better to music than my words, Listen to Fireflight's album, "Unbreakable."

"Do you want to spend your whole life jaded?
Stuck in a rut that you created. 
Why don't you break the cycle? 
Let love win." 

I want love to over take me. 

"Stand up if you're broken. 
Stand up if you feel ashamed.
You are not alone when you hurt this way.

Stand up if you need love."

I am broken. I feel ashamed. I need your love. 

"Sometimes I feel so cold.
Like I'm waiting around all by myself.
Loneliness gets so old.
I'm in the lost and found sitting on the shelf.
Been stuck for way too long, but I hear Your voice.
You're who I'm counting on."

   I've been forgotten, but I think you're coming.

"Yesterday I heard Your voice whispering through all the noise.
I pretended I couldn't hear You, but You kept on pursuing me. 
And You began to move in me.
And I just couldn't hide any more.

I won't fight You."

Don't give up on me. I want you. I won't fight you.

Push her. Pull her. Do something.

Saying goodbye

Goodbye, past eighteen months. I've held onto you dearly.
Goodbye, depression. I'm done with your stupid tactics.
Goodbye, anger. Everything works out better without you.
Goodbye, jealousy. You broke me and I didn't like that.
Goodbye, pain in my heart. There's no reason because He healed me.
Goodbye, grudges. Forgiving is better than you.

I'm starting fresh right now.
I wish I could say it was that easy, but it just isn't.
These things are instantly gone.
They never will be.
By saying goodbye, I mean I'm not holding onto these things anymore.
They're still a part of my past and I'll probably still talk about them.
They just don't make me who I am anymore.

Here goes nothing

I think I really am going to try to share my thoughts on here often. I like the idea of blogging. Even if no one reads this, It will make a difference for me to just write what I feel and be able to look back on it. So, goal: one post a week. It'd be really nice if someone helped me keep up with this.