Not so great...

I wanted to write tonight..., but I just can't.
I feel like whatever I start to say is just a lie.
At least, hearing it from me would be a lie anyway....
I'm a broken girl. I need restoration.
I can't write about the hope you need to have if I can't have any myself.

"We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true." -Jamie from twloha

Monster by Skillet
The secret side of me
I never let you see
I keep it caged,
But I can't control it
So stay away from me
The beast is ugly
I feel the rage,
And I just can't hold it

It's scratchin' on the walls
In the closet, in the halls
It comes awake,
And I can't control it
Hiding under the bed
In my body, in my head
Why won't somebody come and save me from this make it end

I feel it deep within
It's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a Monster
I hate what I've become
This night has just begun
I must confess that I feel like a Monster

I, I feel like a Monster
I, I feel like a Monster

My secret side I keep
Hid under lock and key
I keep it caged,
But I can't control it
Cause if I let him out
He'll tear me up, break me down
Why won't somebody come and save me from this make it end

I feel it deep within
It's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a Monster
I hate what I've become
This night has just begun
I must confess that I feel like a Monster (x2)

I, I feel like a Monster
I, I feel like a Monster

It's hiding in the dark,
It's teeth are razor sharp,
There's no escape for me it wants my soul it wants my heart
No one can hear me scream,
Maybe it's just a dream,
Maybe it's inside of me
(Stop this Monster)

I feel it deep within
It's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a Monster

I hate what I've become
This night has just begun
I must confess that I feel like a Monster
I feel it deep within
It's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a Monster


If you took that time to read all that, you deserve to know my thoughts on it.
That really is how I feel. End of story.
I'm continually asking, "why?" and "why me?"
My favorite Hillsong United songs says, "I'm filled to be emptied again."
I've just been emptied, but the emptiness is deeper than ever before.
I'm not sure what to do about it....


What a terrible ending for my thoughts, but more to come. I'm meeting with my youth pastor tomorrow and we're going to work things out. I don't want to post this because it is so terribly written, but I have a friend who probably needs to read this.