I'm passionate about this and I'm excited to see what happens! Let's get it done!

A look back

In the last post I said, "The reminiscing has made nostalgic as well as hateful."
Yes, yes it has. Now, it's time for a look back on 2009.

I met three of the best guy friends a girl could ever ask for. Thanks, guys. I got my heart broken by some of my favorite people in the world. I got over the heart break. :) I had a valentine. <3 Lol. I just had to say it. I went to an incredible concert with an incredible person. (Anberlin and Jordan). Great memories. I had a spectacular time at Super Summer and a not so great time at Falls Creek. God called me to go the UK in the summer of 2010. I have become more sure of how good my voice actually sounds. I hit tons of notes I thought I never would. I went to a music competition and got a one (that's the best) on the two songs I preformed. I've had a few good hair cuts and a few bad ones. I got my ears double pierced. I'm one year closer to moving out! I've decided I want to be a writer and possibly photographer when I grow up. I've grown one inch taller. That's about all I have to say. Enjoy the new year!

Resolutions

As the year is coming to a close, I've been quite reminiscent, hence the lack of blogs. The reminiscing has made nostalgic as well as hateful. But that is not what I want to talk about at this very moment. This is my blog dedicated to stating my New Year's resolutions. Don't hate me.

1. Read the entire Bible.
2. Dedicate a heck of a lot more time to studying my Bible.
3. Go to the UK and be totally brave and confident.
4. Get my license.
5. Hang out with friends more. I've hated that about this year...
6. Not be so dang shy.
7. Be a healthy person. (This is vague, I know, but it's also personal.)
8. BLOG AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE! I want to be a writer. This needs to happen.
9. Sing on a real stage where real people can hear me.
10. Keep up with my journal even when life gets rough.
11. Last, but not least: Love people more. Give them a chance. Expect more out of them.
12. One more, Not be so heart broken and easily let down.

Thanks for listening. Make me stick to every single on of these!

Worldviews

For my worldviews class, I had to interview four people. I wanted to share my findings here. I asked them all seven basic questions, but not every answer was posted. Feel free to ask questions or post your beliefs. Here are the seven questions:
1. Does God exist? If so, what is He like and how do you know?
2. What is real? Is reality merely matter, an illusion, some combination, or something else?
3. What is the origin of life and the universe?
4. Are human beings special? Are we just animals? Do we have souls? Are we basically good or basically bad or something else?
5. What is right and wrong? How do we know?
6. What do you believe about abortion?
7. Is there anyone or anything that you truly worship?

       I interviewed a senior in college. His answers were bold and straight-forward. He said, “God is a pretty interesting character. I know him because He constantly has revealed himself throughout history in His Word, secular accounts, and even today in my own life and in the lives of my community. He’s perfectly represented in the life of Jesus and semi-perfectly represented in the lives of some godly people in my life.” I couldn’t agree more. His answer about right and wrong is very well said, in my opinion. He stated, “Right isn’t subjective. It’s universal just as truth is universal. It proves itself by consistently being in favor of God’s ways.” I also asked him what he truly worshipped. He was very honest by saying, “I do truly worship God, but I worship other things as well simply because I’m a human being in a culture of stuff.” His answer about reality was very interesting. He said, “Reality is how things really are regardless of what the cultural veils over our eyes and tell us it is. Etymology has everything to do with it.” I was pleased with this student’s honesty and willingness to help. He is a blessing and encouragement to me.



       The next person I interviewed is a freshman who has taken this course at another school. Her answers were almost straight out of our book. I know that taking this class has changed her and it’s encouraging to continue to see the change. I asked her about the origin of life and her response was, “The origin of life is in Genesis 1. God spoke into the darkness and created light and created the rest of the world shortly thereafter. The prize of his creation was mankind. He created Adam from dirt and his partner, Eve, from Adam’s rib. Evolutionists believe that all of the complexity of man was created by coincidence. I simply can't accept the convenience of that statement. I, as a person, have to believe that I was created special. There is no way the intense emotion, pain, and joy we experience is mere coincidence. Man must have been purposely designed by an Intelligent Designer, God.” She is very intelligent and I respect her for that. I’ve watched her life turn around and I’m very proud to be her friend. Out of curiosity, I asked about her beliefs on abortion. He reply was, “Abortion is totally and completely wrong. God created life in an instant and the beginning of life is in an instant as well. Once the cells begin to multiply, they fall into the scientific category of a living thing. When an abortion occurs, you are taking the life of someone that has never had the privilege of breathing or eating or drinking. That little person deserves more than death before life.” She was very passionate about her beliefs and I loved that she was.



       The next person I interviewed, I don’t really know much about. One thing I do know is, he is the founder of an organization called “Holding Of Wrist.” It is much like the organization “To Write Love On Her Arms” in wanting to love people and give them hope. First, I asked if God exists. His answer was, “There was a time when I would have said yes. I believe there is a higher power, but as to what they are like I do not know. I don't have proof that he is real, or that he heals pain. But, I know there is a higher power of some type.” After that, I asked what he believed is real. He said, “Real is life. Life is real. Everything we capture through words, sight, touch, smell, etc. is real. Our lives are real. We're real and alive today.” The next question was about the origin of life. He stated, “The origin of life is love. Simple as that.” I agree, but I also believe it’s much more complicated than that. The answer to the question about humans being good or bad surprised me. He declared, “I believe everyone has a bad and good side. We choose what's good, and what's bad. Each of us is very special in our own way, we each have souls, and hearts, and breath air. We, as society, are going downhill, we're not who society should be.” I also decided to ask about how we know right from wrong. He responded, “There is no real way to tell what's wrong, and what's right. I believe we learn that when we are babies. Reactions of actions tell us as babies if we're doing good or bad. It's more of what humanity is like, wrong or right?” I proceeded to ask about his beliefs about abortion. He explained his belief by saying, “I believe abortion is wrong because it is taking a human life. That baby has a whole life filled with LOVE and COMMUNITY. But, you also need to consider rape cases. Of which the victim would not want the baby, or high school students, because they are too young.” I was partially pleased with this answer until I read the end. Finally, I dared to ask what he worshiped. His reply was, “I don't directly "worship" anyone. I look up to people, but have not "worshiped". I use to worship God, but that is not a strong part of my life any longer.” I appreciated his willingness to participate and I will be responding to him via e-mail what I believe in hopes to give him a new perspective or at least plant a seed.

  
       The final girl I interviewed is a home schooled eighth grader. She is so encouraging and always a blessing to me. The first question I asked her was if God existed and how she knew God was real. Her reply was, “He's a lot of things. He's loving and caring. He knows everything about everyone. He forgives even though it seems unforgivable. He has a plan and reason for everything (including the bad) even if we can't see it sometimes. I know it because of the His word. He tells us if we're listening.” Next I asked her what reality was. She said, “Life is real. God is real. Love is real. Reality isn't an illusion.” I’m proud of her for being able to stand for what she believes the way she does. The last question asked was about humans and our nature. She answered, “Humans are not animals and we do have souls. God made us to take care of everything else on the earth. We're made in His image and He loves us. We're made with a soul and the ability to think for ourselves. God originally made us sinless and pure, but our human nature caused us to fall. We all have the choice to do good or bad things. I think it just depends on our morals and our beliefs, but the way we're born, I think, we're basically "good." We're definitely not perfect because, well, we're just human.” The conversation ended there due to lack of time, but she was very willing and open.

"I don't understand why it is so hard to live without a permanent commitment. It's as if we don't understand who we are." 
I just don't understand. Why isn't so simple that the Father just tells us who we are and we listen? Why are we so stubborn? Why is the best, perfect love He gives not enough? I'm just a little unsatisfied.

The entire Relient K album, Five Score And Seven Years Ago describes my emotions. That's a lot of emotions, but it's true.


"I've made up my mind. I will pretend to leave this world behind, but in the end you'll know I've lied to get your attention. I'm faking my own suicide."

I met a girl whose crying out and losing hope. Her pain is more than unbearable. She spends her nights alone in a dark place weeping. For the sake of others, she hides her pain. If you meet her on the streets, she's totally normal. You'd never know of the sorrow she holds. She's not bitter though. She'll trust anyone who gives her something to believe in. She's still searching for hope. She knows the Savior, but rarely hears from Him. She know He's not left her, but in her muddy life, she can't find Him. She's brought down by the hate and the circumstances. Her only desire now is to be held and loved, but it's hard for her to find. Every promise ever made to her is now lost. No one likes to be around her as her personality is beginning to show. At the same time, she's so giving of herself. She will be there for anyone or do anything they ask. Continually giving and never receiving is starting to take a toll on her. Her life is shattered. Broken, only small pieces remain on the floor. She picks them up, but she's so weak. As she holds the pieces, they cut her hands. She stumbles and is forced to release her grip. Tighter, hold on tighter. Her cry echos and it's growing louder.

Have you ever just felt nothing?
No, like really meditated and thought, but still there's nothing?
That's what I'm feeling now. It's the weirdest thing.
I don't know what to do with myself.
I feel no passion or no hate.
It's almost like empty words on a page.
Nothingness.
The end.

A Christian stands on the corner of a busy New York street and yells to the crowd, "You're all going to Hell because you're homosexual." "You're all going to Hell because you stole." "You're all going to Hell because you don't believe in MY God." An Atheist approaches the Christian and says, "Thank you. You have converted more people to Atheism in ten minutes than I have been able to in ten years." The Atheist smiles and walks away.

What's wrong with this picture? Hello, Christian! Those things may be true, but you're going about it the wrong way. Who are you to tell anyone anything? They don't know you. They have no reason to believe you. First, you must establish a friendship and it has to be a good, sincere friendship.

Leadership is the same way. For example, a school gets a new principal. One, he is automatically hated because he's new. Two, he thinks EVERYTHING needs to change. The students might like some of the change if they were not forced into it. You can't take a well-functioning community, tell them they're screwed up, and expect them to like you so that you can make the change.

If you haven't figured out yet, this is one thing I'm now going through. It's too much stress. I'm too weak to even finish the rant or fight for my rights....

Maybe I don't want to be helped.
Maybe I just want to be loved.
I just don't want to be alone.

The girl on the inside

1. I am not who I appear to be at all.
2. I'm not that sweet little innocent girl that everyone thinks I am. I never have been.
3. I'm almost always nervous.
4. I hate being alone. I always want someone, but never have anyone.
5. I'm a total sucker for hugs.
6. I have a secret passion to sing. I'm pretty good too.
7. I hate making decisions.
8. I'm an over-thinker.
9. I want someone to want to help me. I can't ask for help anymore. It hurts too much.
10. You'll never meet a broken girl with a bigger smile.
11. I've mastered this fake smile of mine. I'm fooling all of you.
12. My heart hurts 100% of the time.
13. I long for nothing more than to be normal and happy again.
14. I love the winter months because it's easier to be depressed then.
15. Oddly, winter is when I'm at my happiest. That's never much.
16. I'm overwhelmed with life.
17. I'm so simple, yet too complicated.
18. I just want to be loved.
19. I'm too forgiving.
20. I would never choose this life for anyone.
21. My Savior feels distant.
22. I miss my real friends.
23. I feel boring and annoying a lot of the time.
24. I struggle with self-confidence.
25. I'm beyond broken.
26. I want to talk, but I don't want to do all the talking.
27. I'm not who I want to be.
28. I want to be a part of something bigger, something epic.

Now, you know. This is me. It's not who you want or who you expected.

"So tell me now if this ain’t love then how do we get out? ‘Cause I don’t know. That’s when she said 'I don’t hate you, boy. I just want to save you while there’s still something left to save.' That’s when I told her 'I love you, girl, but I’m not the answer for the questions that you still have.'"

"I want to run away. I want to ditch my life. 'Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night. And after all of my alibis desert me, I just want to get by. I don't want nothing to hurt me. I had no idea where my head was at, but if my heart says I'm sorry, can we leave it at that? Because I just want for all of this to end. I so hate consequences and running from you is what my best defense is." -Relient K

Quite honestly, this is how I feel. I feel like giving up. There's nothing anyone can do for me. 
I'm broken and life is lousy.
I just don't know what to do.
That's all I'll say for now...

I have hidden pain. I hide my pain because I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it. Yes, I know you love me and would always listen, but it's not the same. I know I can tell you anything and I usually do, but you never seem to be able to help. Sometimes all I want is to be told what you think and what you would do. I don't want to have to think about it anymore. Isn't hiding my burden enough? What more do I have to do? I want you to be concerned for me first. Ask me what's wrong. I want to talk, but I don't want to ask anyone for help. I want someone to willingly come to me. My reason for that is not pride, but every time I ask for help, I get rejected. It hurts. I'm sick of it. Please, please. Help me.

Everyday, I wake up and go through the routine. "Smile when a normal person would smile. Blend in. Act as if nothing is wrong. You're okay." I tell myself this everyday. How I really feel, or even my real personality is never revealed. No one understands. No one cares to. Most people would probably blame me, but it's not my fault.

I'm quite overwhelmed with my emotions and just all that's going on around me. I'm a thinker, so I'm always aware of my feelings and opinions. One day, I hope that some good will come of it. As for now, all I know is stress, frustration, and bitterness.

I'm misunderstood and I want someone to reach out. And not just reach out, but reach out consistently. I'm unmanageable. I'm confused and I want your affection.

I'm weak and my habitat only contributes to the weakness. I hope something worth while comes from living here, but I just don't see it.

I'm almost emotionless. I'm torn. I'm confused. I don't know what to do. I've been avoiding trying to seek the answer. I don't want to run anymore. 

I can almost feel my end approaching, but I'm fighting it. With all I have, I'm fighting it. Now matter how much I want to, something inside of me won't let me give up. 

I know in my heart that God must be teaching me something through all the pain I am experiencing, but I don't understand. Faith is hard for me sometimes. I just want to know. Tell me what to do to further Your kingdom. I also know it doesn't work that way. I must be patient and wait. But, God, please. Please. I'm crying out to You with all that I am. Guide me. Put a desire in my heart to know You more and more each day. I don't want to be apathetic anymore. I want to be Yours. Give me more strength and reason to continue. Send someone? 

God, this is my prayer.

Give me hope and love. I need it. I need You. You are mighty and powerful. I know You can do anything. I want to be molded by You. Make me your clay, dear Potter. Make me obey. Mold me. I want to be who You want me to be. I want it to become obvious that I'm living my life for You. Clean me. Make me whole again. Make me wholly Yours.

Love,

Your daughter

Fire and Flames

To be honest, life is going to suck sometimes, but that is no reason to quit. Hope is real and I have it. Even to me, the hope seems distant at times, but it's always closer than it seems. Jesus Christ is right here with me. Always. My hope and my peace carry me every step of the way. At times when I feel alone, it's because I see myself as the peace and hope instead of my Savior. His love for me is everlasting. Even when I fall, he will pick me up. He is the gracious King. His beauty is beyond imaginable.

I will go through fire and flames, but I will not go in alone.

Love is here.
Love is now.
It satisfies.

He is loved.

I met a kid this weekend at a conference I went to. He has been trying to commit suicide for five years. I immediately began crying and praying. My heart breaks for depressed and suicidal people. I absolutely love them. No matter what. Anyway, my second thought was: "People have known about this for most of that five years. Why has no one done anything, but pray?" Yes, praying is great. But, praying without action is stupid in this situation. Let me explain how I met him. At the conference, people could go on stage and share their burdens so we could pray with them. He went up there and shared what he has been going through. I've been praying for him since I met him. He is such an awesome person. I've also been praying for those who interact with him everyday. I thought of Renee Yohe's story and how after five days of constant love, she began to change. Only five days! For this guy, it's been five years and no change! Something is wrong. I wish I could hang out with him or go to school with him or something. Now, you have to realize that I only met him. He did not meet me. So, I'm not sure what else factors in to his feelings and emotions, but still.

Basically, I would ask you to pray for him and pray for your friends that are like that. Actually, pray for all of your friends. All the time. That would be so great.
If there is any way I could help you with situations like this or anything at all, come to me. Please, please. You are not alone. I WANT to help.

Love,
Morgan

Hate

Hate. That's all I've seen today. Hate and fighting.

I'm sick of it.

Come on people.

Love and peace is something everyone wants.

If you want it, why do you run from it?

I don't understand.

Just love me.

I Would Die For You

I'm reading a book which has stopped me from writing my own book. I've decided to quit. Sorta. I am going to finish my book, just on my terms. Anyways, I'm reading I Would Die For You by Brent Higgins. I highly recommend it. I'm like sixty pages in and I've already cried. I'm just so in love with the story. It's not fiction either! I'll probably write about the plot tomorrow, so be looking for that. But, I have never been so inspired to live my life for the One who gave it all. Seriously, read this book. Mkay. I have things to do... Hopefully, I'll finish the book in the next two days. We'll see. Later!

"Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars."

To Write Love On Her Arms is not simply for one person or one group of people. It's for everyone- the broken, the hopeful, the suicidal, and the loving. It doesn't matter who you are or where you're from, To Write Love On Her Arms is a community for all. It started with the story of one girl and has now expanded so much. Now, it is a place for where the broken get comfort. The depressed and suicidal get treatment. The hopeful and loving get to be a part.
But, it's even more than just a place to get help. It's a place of an incredible community. It's a place where we learn to love in all sorts of ways and we learn to replace secrets and silence with hope and healing. We learn that no matter what, we are loved beyond what we could ever know and our story is not over. It's just the beginning.
To Write Love On Her Arms has meant so much to me in the past year. They've taught me that hope is real and love is answer. It's that simple.

"Love is something better. I have been challenged and changed, reminded that love is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions. Don Miller says, 'We're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding.' "

"We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love."

Love is the Movement.

Go away

You don't define me. Quit telling me who I am. I can only handle so much of your negative comments about me. I would almost rather you not be a part of my life than this. Just leave me alone. Let me be my own person and make my own mistakes.

I'm so done with all of this. Someone help me.

Jamie Talks Woodie Awards from To Write Love on Her Arms. on Vimeo.

Fire

What is it about fire that we're so afraid of? We cringe with every step we take closer.
Fire is such a mystery. Beautiful yellowish-orange with lively passion. It's rapid and warm. I don't get it, but I love it.

It's peaceful and I'm enjoying it. I just wish someone was here to share it.

I've had enough.

I'm done.

I've experienced enough yelling to last a lifetime. Just leave me alone. Let me be my own person. I want to make my own mistakes. I'm just a kid, so let me be a kid. 

What do I turn to now? 

What do you want from me?

:'(

physical pain + emotional pain = not cool

It may seem like I'm complaining a lot and that's because I am.
It hurts to get out of bed. It hurts to walk. My ankles are swollen. My muscles are tight. There's a blister or something in my mouth. My back is killing me. My fingers are swollen thus causing great discomfort with my ring. My legs itch because I'm allergic to grass and had to roll around in it all week. My iPhone is stupid. Someone teach me how to upload videos to facebook for free. I have rope burns on my hand from tug a war. (Btw, my female team dominated all the guys.) I'm burning up, thus I can't shower. My eyes hurt. I miss too many people that I need.

I'm frustrated that no one will leave me alone. I'm frustrated that the people I need, won't talk to me. I need to lay down in a friend's arms and just cry for a while. Ugh. I can't even begin to talk about the rest.


On the plus side, my singing voice sounds incredible!!!!!!!! <3

Say Anything Else

"Whenever you get this way, just getting up for the let down.

They've come and they're here to stay,

just getting up for the let down."

-Cartel

That's all I'm doing, getting up for the let down. It's a sick cycle of life. Built up by few, brought down by the same. You're there at all the wrong times. You know all the wrong things to say. Still, I run to you. You let me hold on, but nothing more. When I think I can't be broken, you brake me. When I feel like nothing can help me, you do. I'm still surprised every time. Why? I don't know. You'd think I'd learn by now, right? Well, I thought you would learn too. We were both wrong. There you go, build me up. I'll be ready for the let down. It'll still hurt the same way.... Always does.

"Do you know what it feel like loving someone who's in a rush to throw you away? Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed?"

help me?

So true!

There’s so much pain. I will tell you that, there’s so much pain. But there is love too. So much love in all of us. “Endure the pain to find no pain at all”.
You can’t give up.
Never give up.
Because somebody needs you. Somebody needs you. You might spend all your life looking for that person, but those years of pain and frustration and sadness – hold fast to what is right and those years will be worth it all.

Does it matter?

"Sometimes I think I say things to hear you say that you still care. I want to intrigue you. I want you to take part in my life. I want to know I'm loved. I want to hear I'm beautiful." -Yours truly

I think this is the opinion of many in our society. We have such high expectations for others, but we don't even meet our own standards. How can we expect to get anything out if we won't put anything in?! Why are we this way anyway? Maybe I sound like a fool, I don't know. This is just how I feel.

So why do we want more love? Because the love we experience first is not real. It's not true. We are given this horribly fake idea of it and then we're told to search for it. We think we've found it and we get our hearts broken. We're stupid, so we try and fail many more times. Finally, we reach the point where giving up is easy. It makes sense, but we don't. We let ourselves be broken. Instead of looking for one person, we seek many. When one breaks our heart, we still have a few more to comfort us. It's a vicious cycle and we don't notice the pain. We don't care. We've become numb.

The story stops here because I'm afraid to experience what's next....


P.S. This is written from a non-Christian perspective. This is not what I believe. Well, yes, I wrote it, but I wrote it and then took all  the Jesus-related things out. I did this so that I may better understand others and hopefully this can help you too.

Sometimes I just want to run away.
To get away from this place.
But there's no place to go.
No one to run to.

what is?

I just don't get you.

"You got so much love in you. You got so much love in you. I'm amazed to be talking to you. You're like the songs that I've heard my whole life coming true."

How can you love me so much?

How can love such a dirty and broken person?

"I've been dirtier than you wanna know..."
"Sometimes I find it hard to believe there's someone else who could be just as messed up as me."

How can you love me when I am so bitter and hateful to some?

What does your love even mean?

I just fail to understand today.

I'm sorry.
"Words lost their meaning long ago."

we must go

"Jesus, You have called us.
Freely we've received.
Now, freely we will give.
We must go, live to feed the hungry,
Stand beside the broken.
We must go.
Stepping forward, keep us from just singing.
Move us into action.
We must go."

If you are saved, you are called. 
Don Miller says, "We're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding."

You have a hold of someone. That is such an incredible opportunity. What are you doing with them? How are you influencing them? Will you lead them in the right direction? Will you share your Jesus with them? Will you let go?

 
I am thankful for the people who did not let go of me.

The words:
At times I get discouraged with the "place" the world puts me. I don't claim to be anything more than human. I just strive to be more Christ like in all I do.

This doesn’t mean I’m perfect, that I’ve never doubted, or never sinned. It doesn’t mean I’ve lived a sheltered life of forced religion taught by my parents.
It doesn’t mean I’ll judge others who have chosen to live a different life style or are a different religion then me.

It means, to me, that I’ve made a choice.
To focus on what God wants for me.
To live a life full of purpose according to his will.
To love people, instead of worrying about where they're at in life.
To be honest and sincere in my actions.
To live a life above reproach and questioning.
To set aside my wants and desires for his glory.
To do what is right, not because I feel I have to but because I have an understanding that I’m worth more than the pressures and standards of mans opinion of me.

To be a living sacrifice.

The "box" and its four small walls, built out of pre conceived thoughts, enclosed with the bondage of stereo typical allegations justified by previous acquaintances claiming to be the same but acted in a hypocritical manner.

This box.


Cannot contain me.




I'm striving to be able to say this with complete confidence that it is what I'm doing. I've set the bar. I just have to reach it. I'm struggling to keep going. I ask "why?" way to often about things I used to be so sure about. It's hard to press on with no encouragement. It's hard to understand your love when I'm so often rejected. I'm sure you don't want this to happen, but it does. I'm drained and have no words left. The story will continue....

Holding of Wrist

The Escape from Holding of Wrist on Vimeo.


It seems I talk about this a lot, but it's because it's very important to me.
I can't really say anything better than the video did, so I won't.
This isn't what I wanted to talk about really, so just pause and soak up the information in the video.



This is such heavy stuff that what I want to say doesn't deserve to be in the same blog. It will be in the next one.

you CAN make it through

Tonight, I met with my youth pastor. His name is Buddy. We just met to talk about me and the struggles I'm having and such. It was so encouraging.
I've been so sad, depressed, uninspired, and broken most of all. After he figured out what I was trying to say and how I was feeling, he said some of the most encouraging things ever. He told me to focus on what I know is positive and what I know is true. He told me that I was special. He said that I am tenderhearted, beautiful, honest, real, loving, loved, a leader, an example, an encouragement, and much more. I had a hard time believing it at first, but he reassured me. He prayed for me. He hugged me. He was there for me. That's what I needed. That was so what I needed to hear and I'll need to hear it more as well. He also told me the steps I needed to take next. If that's something you need to hear, talk to me. I want to help. Self-help is no help at all.
If you or a friend is dealing with this, talk to me. Please. It won't exactly get better all by itself. You need something else. I can show you what it is.
That's all for now. :)
Be encouraged.
Psalm 13
Psalm 34
That's my reading for next day or two. Hold me to it.

Not so great...

I wanted to write tonight..., but I just can't.
I feel like whatever I start to say is just a lie.
At least, hearing it from me would be a lie anyway....
I'm a broken girl. I need restoration.
I can't write about the hope you need to have if I can't have any myself.

"We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true." -Jamie from twloha

Monster by Skillet
The secret side of me
I never let you see
I keep it caged,
But I can't control it
So stay away from me
The beast is ugly
I feel the rage,
And I just can't hold it

It's scratchin' on the walls
In the closet, in the halls
It comes awake,
And I can't control it
Hiding under the bed
In my body, in my head
Why won't somebody come and save me from this make it end

I feel it deep within
It's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a Monster
I hate what I've become
This night has just begun
I must confess that I feel like a Monster

I, I feel like a Monster
I, I feel like a Monster

My secret side I keep
Hid under lock and key
I keep it caged,
But I can't control it
Cause if I let him out
He'll tear me up, break me down
Why won't somebody come and save me from this make it end

I feel it deep within
It's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a Monster
I hate what I've become
This night has just begun
I must confess that I feel like a Monster (x2)

I, I feel like a Monster
I, I feel like a Monster

It's hiding in the dark,
It's teeth are razor sharp,
There's no escape for me it wants my soul it wants my heart
No one can hear me scream,
Maybe it's just a dream,
Maybe it's inside of me
(Stop this Monster)

I feel it deep within
It's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a Monster

I hate what I've become
This night has just begun
I must confess that I feel like a Monster
I feel it deep within
It's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a Monster


If you took that time to read all that, you deserve to know my thoughts on it.
That really is how I feel. End of story.
I'm continually asking, "why?" and "why me?"
My favorite Hillsong United songs says, "I'm filled to be emptied again."
I've just been emptied, but the emptiness is deeper than ever before.
I'm not sure what to do about it....


What a terrible ending for my thoughts, but more to come. I'm meeting with my youth pastor tomorrow and we're going to work things out. I don't want to post this because it is so terribly written, but I have a friend who probably needs to read this.

Words

Proverbs 18:21 says,

"Words kill, words give life;
   they're either poison or fruit—you choose." 

Seriously think about that.

Have you ever been told something that made you smile?

I have. Today, Dana, who is older than me, told me that I was a strong Christian and that I was a role model to her. I was in tears after she told me that. She told me that right before I was speaking to a group and I was all teary-eyed when I spoke.

Have you ever told someone something that made them smile?

I have. After I spoke today, I told Dana what I thought of her. It was very positive and maybe personal to her, so I won't share it.

Have you ever been torn down by someone's words?

I have. It was by someone who is considered a good leader and strong Christian in my youth group. It tore me apart for months. It's a side of himself that he will never show at church. Obviously, my opinion of him is not the same as the others.

Have you ever been the one tearing someone down?

I'm not sure if I verbally have, but I know I've thought some destructive things of people. I'm ashamed of that, but I'm forgiven from the wrong I have done.

Think about those questions. Answer them. 

Do you share the nice things so that you can look like a good person? Or do you share them to show the love you have for someone else? 

Do you tear people down because it makes your life better? If you answered yes, talk to me. I want to help you fix it. Even if you're unsure, talk to me.

What comes out of your mouth? 

Truth or Lies?

Why?

What will you do to fix it?

You are beautiful

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

Those three words above have so much power, so much meaning in my opinion. My belief is that everyone is beautiful. We all have that picture of the perfect body image in our heads. But the truth is, you will never become that person that is inside your mind. THAT is a perfect person, and NO ONE is perfect. Most of society has been conditioned to think 'beautiful' as a pretty skinny girl , an athletic guy with muscles, designer clothing, pretty much within the norm of society. I find that to be really sad.

I know it's not easy to think you're beautiful. It takes time, but ANYONE can change their thoughts. PLEASE don't make yourself throw up anymore. You ARE skinny enough, you ARE beautiful. Please don't change yourself to fit in with the 'norm' because you ARE unique, which is BEAUTIFUL. Beauty is what the heart is. If you have a heart full of love than you're beautiful, If not than you need some love.

When you wake up tomorrow, when you're at the toilet throwing up because you don't feel skinny, when you are cutting yourself to take away that emotional pain, when the memories of rape haunt you, look into the mirror and say "I AM BEAUTIFUL." I seriously want you to do that. Comment here when you did!

Why I want you to do that is because I learned something in psychology the other day. It's called 'cognitive thinking'. Cognitive thinking basically means "you are what you think you are". If you think and say your beautiful, than you'll feel beautiful, for example.

Your past, and your scars tell a story which is beautiful. Your pain has a purpose. Your story is meant to be heard. You have the power to change lives, and change the world! Do it! Feel beautiful! Be proud of who you are today!

Love Always
-Jimmy Elliott
Founder, Holding of Wrist


That was taken from Jimmy Elliott's blog. Just wanted to share.

Sometimes, I think all I need is to be told just how beautiful I really am [in slightly more detail than, ["you are  beautiful."] and that I'm loved. 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Like the rose, we are all beautiful. We are  complex, yet so simple. We want to be seen how we truly are. We want to love and be loved.

Love. Will you?

Suicide is 100% preventable.

Suicide is not only committed by teens.

It's committed by adults too.

Sometimes we joke about suicide

with our friends as if it's not real.

We're wrong.

In 2001, suicide was the cause of death for roughly 32,000.

That doesn't even compare to the suicide attempts...

So, what are you going to do?

I'm very involved in TWLOHA.

That's what I'm doing.

Do you know what it takes to get someone 

to stop thinking about suicide?

I do. It's love.

If you are worried that you or someone you know may be at risk for suicide, please contact a mental heath professional, call and talk to someone at 1-800-SUICIDE or find a helpline in your area of the world through www.befrienders.org, or call your local authorities.

I know that this is quite late, but it's really important to me. This event should not be limited to one day. We should be mindful of this all the time.

Josiah

My dearest friend,

If it has not been said enough, I love you. My thankfulness for you is almost never ending. My joy that you have been so perfectly placed in my life is incredible. Only a personal God could accomplish something so big. His love for me is definitely evident. The role you have played in the healing of my life is outstanding. No matter what chaos occurs, I know I could turn to you and find some sort of peace.

"Remembering everything about my world and when you came. 

Wondering, the change you’d bring 

means nothing else would be the same. 

Did you know what you were doing? 

Did you know? 

Did you know how you would move me? 

Well, I don’t really think so."

Through the pain of growing up the way we do, I've learned so much from you. I relate well to you. You've impressed on me a new sense of hope that I never thought I would find.  You're a real friend. By that I mean, with you, I don't have to hide behind the mask that I will ever so often put out for the rest of the world. When we talk, we don't have to skip over the sad and frightening things. They are there and we will talk about them. We'll face the pain together. I honestly believe I have made an excellent choice for a life long friend. My feelings cannot be contained to the simple words of the English language.

I love you.......

 "Is this the whole picture or is it just the start? Is this the way you love me? You're capturing my heart. I used to try to walk alone, but I've begun to grow. And when you tell me just to rest, I'm finally letting go. I let go. And I'm here to stay. Nothing can separate us. And I know, I'm okay. You cradle me gently, wrapped in your arms."

She would ask you to remember..

"The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope."    "We're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding." Will you? Will you reach out to those in need of Christ's love through you? Will you reach out to me?  "We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home."  Will you step up and be a rescuer? Someone needs you. I need you.       

Ready and waiting

"Will you hold me up if I just say that I will stay?"

Yes, I'm starting over, but that doesn't mean I get to start totally fresh. It means I have decided to change.

Changing is hard. That is something I've learned in the past few hours.

I can't do it all by myself. 

I need someone to be here for me.

I know I've got friends, but that's not enough.

I need someone to see beyond what I willingly show. I want you to step inside on your own. Ask me things that no one else will. It's what I need, but I would never ask anyone to do that for me.

If you relate better to music than my words, Listen to Fireflight's album, "Unbreakable."

"Do you want to spend your whole life jaded?
Stuck in a rut that you created. 
Why don't you break the cycle? 
Let love win." 

I want love to over take me. 

"Stand up if you're broken. 
Stand up if you feel ashamed.
You are not alone when you hurt this way.

Stand up if you need love."

I am broken. I feel ashamed. I need your love. 

"Sometimes I feel so cold.
Like I'm waiting around all by myself.
Loneliness gets so old.
I'm in the lost and found sitting on the shelf.
Been stuck for way too long, but I hear Your voice.
You're who I'm counting on."

   I've been forgotten, but I think you're coming.

"Yesterday I heard Your voice whispering through all the noise.
I pretended I couldn't hear You, but You kept on pursuing me. 
And You began to move in me.
And I just couldn't hide any more.

I won't fight You."

Don't give up on me. I want you. I won't fight you.

Push her. Pull her. Do something.

Saying goodbye

Goodbye, past eighteen months. I've held onto you dearly.
Goodbye, depression. I'm done with your stupid tactics.
Goodbye, anger. Everything works out better without you.
Goodbye, jealousy. You broke me and I didn't like that.
Goodbye, pain in my heart. There's no reason because He healed me.
Goodbye, grudges. Forgiving is better than you.

I'm starting fresh right now.
I wish I could say it was that easy, but it just isn't.
These things are instantly gone.
They never will be.
By saying goodbye, I mean I'm not holding onto these things anymore.
They're still a part of my past and I'll probably still talk about them.
They just don't make me who I am anymore.

Here goes nothing

I think I really am going to try to share my thoughts on here often. I like the idea of blogging. Even if no one reads this, It will make a difference for me to just write what I feel and be able to look back on it. So, goal: one post a week. It'd be really nice if someone helped me keep up with this.

TWLOHA

TWLOHA stands for To Write Love On Her Arms. TWLOHA is a suicide prevention organization, mostly. I've never really dealt with suicide or self-harm, but I have dealt with depression. Through TWLOHA, I have a better understanding of hope and what life really is. Of course, not all of the credit can go to TWLOHA. God has played a much bigger part in this. He gave me a desire to pursue TWLOHA more as well as He gave me friends to help me along the way. TWLOHA is just amazing. Also, through TWLOHA, I've become a stronger person. Not physically, of course. But, they've showed me hoe to talk to my friends and give them the advice they need. Thanks, TWLOHA!

Will you hold me up if I just say that I will stay?

Perhaps apathy has finally eaten me.
Or perhaps this is mind over matter.
I'm having difficulties breathing now.
I'm longing for you soon realize what I need.
My lungs are paper thin.
Will you coat them with your love?
Will you attempt to make me stronger?
Or will you sit there and observe my death?
Is this my end?

P.S. Chivalry is dead.

As my ever growing heart becomes heavy

and my thoughts become weary

Lord, You still remain.

As my obstacles become difficulties

and as my curiosity becomes consternation

Lord, You still remain.

Lord, You turn my disturbance into tranquility.

Lord, You turn my dismay into assurance.

Oh, how thankful I am.